The meaning of

I seem to be in some sort of crisis.

A crisis of the soul, my life, my heart, my direction.

While I try to write positively for others, I find myself critical of myself, crying and without direction. While I've led Church services and brought a positive sensitivity to others hearts, I find it hypocrytical to say I've led them anywhere. For who am I?

I've done the things I've wanted to do in my life. I've married whom I've loved and I've had my babies. I have my house. I have friends. I have my music. I've traveled some. I've made things with my ideas and my hands.

And now.....


So I write.
Blather mostly.
I try to write and give thanks, or make people think, or show them other ideas, venues, avenues, fantasies.....and yet sometimes it all just seems so hollow, so self involved, so internal, and yet I feel the need to share it with others... this journey.
What is the good in that, but it only makes me look needy and confused and wrapped up in self.

Maybe I'm trying to see if they are going thru the same thing?

My life has been a series of projects and events of my own whipping.
Like a dead horse.
And now my dreams sheet is empty except for more to-do list chores.

I have been trying to take care of my health, as you know, to live a good long life.
But then I wonder, what's the good in that?

What am I for?

What is my purpose now?

My children are grown, there are people in my life who I wish were closer in heart, body & spirit...
but you can't go back. Life goes on. Things should go forward. Children grow older not younger.
People do not need me like they did before. Love moves on.

I've done my duty. Home, Church, Community, Politically, Socially.

I've done my share of Spiritual work too....looking within, praying, meditating, devotion.

I now feel hollow and empty and joyless this day.

Fer fuck's sake....

Maybe I just need hormones.


LynnieBee said...

You and I are at very different life points, so I won't presume to tell you that I know exactly what you're going through, but I can absolutely tell you that I KNOW the feeling you are experiencing right now, I have felt it intimately, over and over and over. (I did e-mail you, but it was before I read this). In a piss poor excuse for advice, this is all I can offer you:

-These low, hollow, directionless points are an important part of the journey, they have to happen so that we can rediscover the joys and the "oh, THIS is why I do this", and see the next step. Maybe we have to be emptied out every once in awhile so that we can be filled up again. If you let this be what it is, it will pass.

-What you are doing with this blog is SHARING. You are sharing yourself. Whatever you put here is of yourself, and that is a priceless, priceless gift. Nothing you do here is selfish or hollow, it is valuable beyond any words I could put here about it.

- I don't know what your next purpose or task is, but I know it's out there and I know you'll figure it out. And it's okay that you don't know it now.

- On a lighter note, never underestimate the power of orgasms and ice cream to fix a yucky mood ;)

I love you dearie, I'm here, don't give up :)

Myriah said...

You ARE a wonderful woman, with a great wit, a lovely deep soul, and a huge heart. Being human always includes making mistakes, but it's the learning from them that allows us to move forward on to the next big adventure.

There are so many things happening on the energetic levels right now that can and do make us question what our lives are about, and where we should be going and what we should be doing next. Sometimes the best answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing, which really equals "Be Still". For in the stillness we can feel and hear our hearts, and tune in to the Universal Consciousness, where we can glimpse a tiny snippet of an image of what it's really all about.

You've done a lot, a whole lot more than most people do in their entire lives, and you've still got more life left to live.

And that's what it's really about, Living Life. And learning, and loving, and sharing, and trying, and getting stuck, and getting unstuck. And it's all a wonderous thing, despite the bumps (and bruises) that we sometimes encounter. You've already tuned into that with your Simple Pleasures blogs. Each and every day is filled with such things, although we sometimes forget to look at it that way. To steal the phrase from A.A., it's always just One Day at A Time. You do the best you can, and then you get another chance to do it again, maybe better, maybe just differently. It doesn't matter, as long as you do it.

I do know how you feel, I've been there. I know that I might very well be there again. At least, I've learned that I CAN get through whatever the hell it is that comes along, as long as I try. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I cry. But if I let them, the tears will wash away the crud, just like the rain does when it comes. And then everything is fresh and clean and new again. Ready to tackle another day again.

I love you too, Sweetie. Sending lots of hugs and sweetness.

P.S. I love what LynnieBee wrote about the orgasms and ice cream!